Self Regulation is the learned ability organise our thoughts and regulate our body in a variety of scenarios. Learn the step by step process of teaching self regulation to your kids.

Learning Self Regulation

Regulation refers to our ability to respond to change. Self regulation refers to our ability manage our emotions, behaviour and body movement in response to challenging situations. Teaching self regulation is challenging but rewarding and impacts all areas of our kids lives!

As stated above self regulation is learned. We are not born with the ability to regulate, self soothe or calm our bodies. We learn this from our parents and the world around us. It is a complex skill, dependent on high level executive functioning.

OUr Self Regulation skills changes and develops

Even as adults we are still learning about self regulation. And things like sleep, diet, stress, illness, sensory input and sensory preferences can change our ability to self regulate.

The end goal of raising our kids to self regulate is that they begin to access their own “tool kit” of ways to regulate their body and emotions independent of the parent or care giver.

We learn to self regulate and get better as we get older this is why it is common to see a 2 year old throwing a tantrum but it is unexpected to see a 12 year old doing the same behaviour.

What is Self Regulation

Self regulation can be compared to air conditioning unit. We can set the machine to the “just right temperature” sensors tell the machine to heat up or cool down the air in order regulate the temperature to the desired number. It is the same with our children. They have a “just right state”. They need to recognise the changes and impact the environment is having on them and learn how and when they need to return to the “just right state”. How we process information, emotions and sensations impacts on our ability to regulate.

step by step to Teaching self regulation

1. Co-Regulation

I spoke of co-regulation in the Sensory Processing post. But let’s get into co-regulation in a bit more detail. Co-regulation is the way we as adults, or peers demonstrate regulation and offer examples or model behaviour to regulate their bodies. Through our interactions with our children we can encourage them to calm their bodies, become excited, or react in a certain way. For instance if you child is smiled and laughed at they may start smiling and laughing too. See the video below to understand more what co-regulation can look like.

Co-regulation is something we begin teaching from a very young age. It is often said the more stress or anxious you are trying to calm you baby the less effective you will be. Your child can sense how you are feeling.

How to co-regulate:

Interact with your child by first acknowledging their level of arousal then bring them to the place you want them to be at. Without first acknowledging their current state of emotions you run the risk of them escalating further because they just want you to understand how upset they are feeling. Acknowledging means really listening to your child, being with them and coming down to their level. After you have acknowledged, offer comfort, show them the appropriate or expected response to the problem and you may offer a solution if they are able to understand it. The key is your own response and interaction with them.

For Example:

3 year old Bobby comes running over to his Mom at the park “Mommy, sandy feet ouch!” he exclaims as tears fall down his cheeks. Mommy responds “Uh Oh, you got sand in your shoes” “Silly sand how did that get in there?” “Let me show you how to make it all better” Mommy pulls off Bobby’s shoe and dumps out the sand. Mommy continues to teach her child how to calm down “Its ok we are going to make it all better with a tight hug, sometimes we get sand in our shoes, thats ok, we can just tip it out and keep playing”.

Mommy could have escalated to match his emotion or she could have overreacted to the situation or even dismissed how he was feeling. Can you see how you can teach a calm response to change rather than feed into their over reaction. Mommy first acknowledged there was a problem. She helped her son realise that it is ok and then showed her son how to solve the problem independently.

2. Understanding Arousal levels

Self regulation is often taught with the understanding that our body has different levels of arousal. These arousal levels are linked with emotions and behaviours. Programs like how does your engine run or the zones of regulation explain our states of arousal using colours.

Teaching your child about how they can feel differently throughout the day will support their understanding of what it means to be calm and will broaden their emotional vocabulary. If your child can recognise their own emotional state and their “just right state” they are much more equipped to regulate themselves.

Higher level ways of understanding arousal levels include programs such as superflex which uses the concept of what happens to our brains when we are dysregulated e.g. rock brain we are unable to compromise or make good decisions. This comes at self regulation from a social thinking perspective and can be helpful as a social skills/awareness tool as well.

How to teach self Regulation and arousal levels

Games and activities

• Using games or activities is a fun way to teach arousal levels. Music that is fast and upbeat can teach about excited and fast, whereas slow and calming can teach calmer states of arousal. You can use the games to regulate your kids during the day or at school because most involve movement and proprioceptive input which helps to calm and regulate the body. Check out my sensory regulation resources for more ideas!!
  • Freeze dancing: Learn to stop our bodies when really excited and act really still. This is teaching about controlling our body movement.
  • Musical chairs: Start the music with one less chair than kids, when the music stops each child must find a chair. The one who does not have a chair is out. Learning about quick reactions, winning and losing, dealing with disappointment and remaining focused while excited.
  • Orchestra. Give each child an instrument to play. One kid or the teacher can be the conductor. The conductor sets the tempo and the kids need to follow along to the tempo fast or slow. They will learn to control their movements and work together.
  • Peanut Butter and Jelly: The adult says peanut butter in a specific way maybe a high pitched voice the child response in a similar way with “jelly”. The adult can say it fast or slow or in a funny voice or with sad sounds. The child is learning to respond in a similar way and regulate his voice, facial expressions to match the adults.
  • Loud or Quiet – Children have to perform an action either loud or quiet.  First pick an action i.e. clapping hands.  The leader says Loud and the children stomp feet loudly.

Social Learning

• Social learning – Learning everywhere approach and on the go will help your child to integrate their understanding into everyday scenarios.
  • Learn about social scenarios and talk about what happened. E.g. Sally fell down and hurt her knee she is sad because she hurt herself. Talk about why you may react or feel that way.
  • Discuss expected and unexpected behaviour – e.g. yelling and screaming to get the toy or asking nicely – talk about overexcited or angry versus calm.
  • Talk about what a calm body feels like during the day “I can see you are in your calm body” you are talking nicely and playing well with your siblings or other children. Or talk about the “fast body” Uh Oh I see that you are in your fast or speedy body” “you are jumping around too fast and acting very silly”. You can also offer strategies like let’s take a deep breath and do some jiggles to help find our “calm body” back.

Reflection

• Reflection – either model self reflection or help your child reflect on their own behaviour. E.g. Mommy was very upset she needed to take a big breath to feel better. Or “you had a big reaction, I think we need to have a quiet minute to help calm down and choose a better reaction.”

3. Teaching Self Regulation through our REsponses to escalated Behaviour

Escalation and Meltdowns are not teaching moments. However, how we respond to these situations can reinforce behaviours or dysregulation.

Responding to an escalated child in a similar way to how they are acting or giving unnecessary attention to the escalated behaviour is adverse. It will teach that this type of reaction or behaviour is effective rather than teaching them to regulate their bodies.

What responses to escalated behaviour look like

For example if you child yells “mommy drink” and begins pointing at the fridge and jumping up and down. You might say “don’t whine” and proceed to get them a drink. You are teaching them two things here:

1. That their escalated behaviour gets your attention and
2. This behaviour can get them what they want. (there is no need to learn the right behaviour or arousal level).

Alternatively, respond with “Mommy doesn’t listen to whining, take a deep breath and try asking for what you would like again. Do not respond to the whine by offering the drink. Wait for the right request and try again. Your child will learn that in order to get what they need they are required to be calm and regulated. This is soooo important. Don’t give up. It is all the little moments of interaction that add up and teach this skill.

A practical example

A short example of this: I worked with a boy who struggled with regulation. He loved interacting with his peers, parents and teachers. In order to get their attention he would run up and sit on their lap or jump up and down and yell hello. This was both dangerous and disruptive. We created a plan where both teachers and his parent would not respond to the behaviour instead they would say “stop” “if you would like our attention you can tap us on the shoulder or say excuse me. Then turn our bodies away. As soon as he asked in one of the correct ways modelled to him we gave him lots of positive attention. Very quickly this boy learned to ask nicely and learned that by calming his body he was able to get the attention he wanted.

4. Teaching Self Regulation and Sensory Input

Regulation is closely linked with sensory input. Sensory input can calm or energise a child. Sensory processing challenges or linked conditions such as ADHD and ADD and Autism can make self regulation more challenging.

Understanding activities, environments or sensation that trigger dysregulation helps you child’s awareness of when to access their calming strategies. For example loud and busy environments may be very dysregulating for some children. Like in a classroom full of kids. In order to focus they may need to use breathing strategies, weighted tools or regular movement breaks to help their brain and body remain in the” just right arousal zone”.

We are regulating from the overwhelming sensations with grounding sensations. BUT, we cannot use a one size fits all approach. Certain sensations including movement (proprioception snd vestibular) are safer. However we cannot not assume all kids will respond with the same thing.

For example. A client of mine, in order to stay seated at the dinner table with his family required music that contained a consistent rhythm, brushing for deep pressure and regular movement breaks in order to remain calm at the table. Other children would overreact to brushing and loud music this is not calming to them.

Calming Zones

An idea for your home or in the classroom could be to create calming spaces e.g. a box of sensory toys. headphones playing calming music, a weighted blanket or my personal favourite a sensory swing. Sensory swings can assist with both movement, vestibular and tactile pressure of the fabric around them or reduces noise and light and creates a safe retreat for your child to regulate. Check this article my friend Alisha Grogan (OT) from Your Kids Table who clearly explains the different types of swings.

Integrate sensory boxes, calming zones and regular breaks during the day

Simply Wholesome Home

Use preventative sensory strategies

Other preventative ideas is include movement activities scheduled throughout the day coupled with heavy work to help maintain the just right head space. (Why do you think recess and lunch breaks are so important!). Rest/quiet time at home during the school holidays or for the younger children. This is just as much for the parents as a it is for the children. Check out my free sensory regulation strategies resource for tons more helpful strategies.

5. Create a tool box of strategies.

Here is the time to tie it all together. You won’t be able to just use one strategy on repeat. As you child grows up and in different scenarios a variety of strategies will be needed. Choose several of each category to focus on for you child. Check out my sensory regulation resources for more ideas!!

1. Movement strategy – Trampolines, heavy work, bike riding, kids yoga, scooter boards, get your jiggles out etc.
2. A breathing strategy – balloons, bubbles, lazy 8 breathing, blowing a wind mill, deep breaths etc.
3. A sensory strategy – calming sensory box, quiet zone, calming book, sensory equipment like a swing, hammock weighted blanket, move n sit cushion.
4. A escalation response strategy – develop a plan for responding to escalated behaviour – do you use quiet time, is it 1,2,3 magic, give warnings to allow the child to learn regulation before jumping to consequences, use planned ignoring in safe situations to prevent reinforcing negative behaviour and dysregulation.

Teaching self Regulation and Environment and physiological factors:

Environmental Factors

Each child and each scenario is different. When teaching self regulation understand how the environment may challenge your child and they will need your support to regulate. For children who struggle with sensory processing discussing a plan for classroom and adding in sensory breaks with their teacher is a great way to help your child learn to access regulation throughout the day. Try to see the scenario through your child’s eyes. Make a list of triggers or challenging situation and think about how you can slowly learn to manage these scenarios or plan ahead with strategies and tools to use in these situations. Give your child warning about challenges so they can learn to prepare for them!

Physiological Factors

Consider any physiological factors that impact your child’s ability to regulate. For example a child who struggles with sitting still on the mat may be fatiguing quickly due floppy muscles that take a lot more effort to remain stable in comparison to other children. Or maybe it is illness or pain that is causing extra dysregulation. Your child may experience a diagnosis of anxiety, autism, sensory processing disorder, ADHD or ADD that will impact their ability to regulate. When teaching self regulation keep all of these factors in mind and ensure you are adapting your strategies appropriatly.

YOUr Occupational Therapist is here to help!

If self regulation is particularly challenging for your child and you are feeling lost as to how to start, your OT is here to help. They are specialist in supporting self regulation. OT’s consider the whole child and focus on function when considering what strategies will be helpful to your child. Contact your OT for support.

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Writing about all things sensory and OT is a passion for me. But I want to help you! Is there a particular area you would like to know more about or have some support with, contact me or let me know in the comments below!

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