For the next 2 weeks I will be sharing 4 blog posts on a christian perspective of infertility. Four Christian Women with various experiences of infertility. This topic is near to my heart as our journey to having Jack was not a straight and easy path.
The need for a CHristian perspective on Infertility
Why do I think there is a need for an article on Christian Perspective of Infertility? Let’s get right to it, there is simply a lack of good Christian material/ discussion on the topic of infertility. I assume this to be for a few reasons. One being the ‘hush, hush’ of the marital private life. Secondly, the challenge of moral and ethical values surrounding infertility, treatment and the like. And thirdly, infertility is a painful, heavy topic that takes someone digging up the past emotions and experiences in order to share the Godly wisdom gained from it.
So that being said, I want to take a moment to thank the three women who took the time and emotional load to share their current or past experience of infertility with you all.
Why the Need?
I believe a Christian perspective of infertility is needed because the danger of infertility and many trials we experience in this life, is that they become all about us, and not at all about God. We can so easily fall into the trap of “why me” or “why them” (I know I’ve been there). Let’s face it, we are sinful beings and prone to self pity. I think of Paul who experienced an unexplained trial (thorn in his side) and asked God to remove it from him. Nobody wants to experience pain.
?????
So how can we glorify God even in our trials? How can we remain positive, support each other, in a godly way through these trials? Find contentment in Christ? These questions we asked ourselves so many times through the trial of infertility.
Share the wisdom of lived experience
This blog post is one of the first I conceptualised when starting Simply Wholesome Home. In our journey through infertility God used friends, family members, pastors and Bible study to guide us to Him.
I can honestly say that God helped us grow in love for him, in our marriage relationship and contentment through infertility. BUT…. it was not without much heartache and sinfulness to get here. To read more about an overview of our story click HERE.
20:20 Hindsight vision
I mean hindsight is a beautiful thing! And thus the reason for these blog posts. It’s easy to say NOW, that God directed this journey and we are better for it. We have Jack, we are definitely still in the honeymoon phase of baby cuddles. Furthermore, I do understand that in the moment of grief and heartache, it’s not so easy to jump to this conclusion.
It is my prayer, however, that by hearing the perspectives of other Christian women and couples you might grow in your love for Christ, in your submission to His will, and you might find comfort in hearing a Christian perspective of infertility.
Bear one another’s Burdens
Secondarily, I pray that those who do not struggle with infertility will read this article to gain insight into what it is like to experience waiting for or never having children.
It can be challenging to empathise or know what to do or say when someone is grieving a child they never had or the loss of a child in the womb.
However, God commands us in Galatians 6:2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Also in 1 Corinthians 12:26 ” If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” So let this be an encouragement to you to pray for those who experience infertility, miscarriage or infant loss. Reach out to them, and share their burden!
The Structure of Reflecting On A christian Perspective of INfertility
Each lady has written an answer to a set of questions. I will share each story anonymously. I look forward to cultivating positive conversations, prayer and love for the communion of saints through these blog posts!
Part 1 – A christian Perspective of Infertility ~ In Hindsight
Share with us a brief story of your infertility experiences and where you are at presently. E.g. Years, causes, current stage and any relevant diagnoses or treatments you would like to share.
If I am completely honest with you, when we were first married the thought of having kids straight away was scary and overwhelming. For me I got married, graduated from university, moved out of my family home and started a new job all in less than a month. So the fact that we didn’t fall pregnant straight off the bat, was, well a blessing in disguise. At first! We always knew we wanted a family, and the idea of filling our home with covenant children was a joyful dream!
A decision, without a vision
My husband and I chose to start our marriage preventing children through medical means. To be frank, I thought this was just how you did things. Take the pill….all be it, the safest option that prevented ovulation. Amongst my newly married friends/ family this was just what was done. So for the first few months this is what we did. I am sharing this, because since then, it has come to my attention the many women in our Churches who, like me, also follow the same path. The pill is both detrimental to our health and ethically questionable. It makes me so sad that I had no idea that there is so many other options…. but this isn’t the time to share those with you now. Rather, I hope and pray that you might do your research, and don’t just choose the easy way out!
Long story, short
Moving on a few months, when we did stop taking contraceptives and began trying for a child things were bumpy to say the least. From a young age I had irregular cycles, so I had a feeling things might not be smooth sailing. However, just a few months and one long, long, long, cycle later I was told by a GP “you must be pregnant”. Excited, but also doubtful, a negative blood test confirmed the 5 or 6 negative pregnancy tests right, we weren’t pregnant. The GP then recommended a internal ultrasound to confirm the results. My ultrasound results revealed an empty women and a distinctive string of pearls on both ovaries, with swelling and overall inflammation of my reproductive organs. This later was diagnosed as PCOS.
From here my husband and I sought out several naturopaths, began tracking my cycles and timing intercourse. We began to take supplements and read articles, books to find a way to our dream of having a child. We saw several GP’s and a gynecologist. This lead to several pelvic ultrasounds, specific testing and many many many blood tests. Eventually we began working with a specialist naturopath to manage the main identified cause of PCOS through diet, lifestyle changes and specific supplement regime.
only by grace!
By God’s grace 2 years after we began our journey to have a child we found out we were expecting! And just 9 months later we were gifted a beautiful baby boy! Yes, 2 years may seem short to some. But being in the waiting game of month in month out disappointment of negative pregnancy tests, expensive supplements and timed intercourse, even two years can feel like a lifetime! So even if its 3 months or 10 years infertility is challenging!
What or who were/are your biggest supports through your journey of infertility?
So many many people prayed for us, asked us how we were and supported us! Thank you. However, I would like to highlight a few key supports for us.
The first was our immediate families and close friends. They told us they were praying for us, asked us how things were going and never bugged us “when are you having kids”.
Godly Mentors
The second was a few special couples who shared their own experiences and wisdom with us. Firstly, my sister and brother in law who shared knowledge about fertility and natural ways to support it. They also were open in sharing their own experiences and offering resources to us.
The second couple stand out as offering a depth of wisdom that really grounded us. To this day I see them as a tool that God used to guide our hearts to Him. They both shared their journey with us but also their reflections. They warned us about becoming consumed by infertility, they told us to enjoy and be content in the life God placed us in. Use the opportunity of a marriage without children to God’s glory and also to strengthen our relationship.
What do you think are the biggest challenges of infertility and what would you do differently if you had to go through infertility again?
The waiting game
It’s a mental battle each month and living in the unknown of if you will ever fall pregnant. Initially I would get sooooo excited in the lead up to the time to test, only to be filled with disappointment. Don’t let yourself be driven by joy only from the “success” of a positive pregnancy test. Our joy and contentment is in Christ alone! Think of Sarah in Genesis waiting well past her fertile age for a child to be born to her. God was faithful in His promise. And God will choose if and when you will have children.
The identity complex
As a woman I felt the strong desire to bear children. I felt that my identity was defined by my job, marriage and the hope of being a mother. I felt lost and also sometimes struggled to relate to peers or family members with children. Think of Hannah who compared herself to Penninah in 1 Samuel 1-2.
The entitlement trap
Some women seem to fall pregnant just by holding hands with their spouse. Others fall pregnant due to unexpected circumstances, and still other like to complain about the burdens of parenthood. I easily would compare and fall into the trap of believing I deserved children more than the next person!
When is enough,enough?
Tests, medical appointments and supplements. Some days I just felt like giving up, throwing in the towel and all the pills for that matter. The treatment and effort that can go into conceiving a child is a burden to bear in itself. And so is the discussion about when to “let go, and let God”. Popular but also sometimes confusing catchphrase. We discussed “plan B” of adoptions or fostering and also contemplated further medical support although never seriously.
If I was to go back and do it all again, I pray that I might trust God more, have more patience, reach out to Godly mentors and find contentment in Christ, first and foremost!
Any practical tips to share about keeping positive and focused on God during infertility, medical treatment and testing?
As previously mentioned, the most helpful supports we received was through lived experience. So I would encourage you to reach out to someone who may have experienced infertility or a similar trial before. They will be able offer much better practical and spiritual wisdom than most!
Share your burden
Share your burden. No I don’t mean post it online and tell everyone you meet. But reaching out to close Christian friends or family is not only a great way to share the load but it is also a way to “express your emotions” and build a God-centred sounding board for you. We can easily become consumed by infertility. So much of the information about trying for children is secular in its approach. If you are struggling with the where to next, or how much is enough, it can be very helpful to discuss this with another Christian couple or friend. They may have a more objective view of the scenario, and may be able to point you back on the path to Christ if you are wavering.
Research
Do your own research. Yes doctors and specialist may be trained in treating your condition. However, in my experience of the medical field, there can sometimes be a push to jump to medical based intervention as a quick fix. I see two problems with this. One, is you are basically ignoring the root cause and can later run into the same problems. And Secondly, rushing into intervention may have negative health consequences as well as may not be the most appropriate choice ethically or morally for you as a Christian couple.
A few practical resources to understand fertility, natural family planning and infertility symptoms:
- Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great initial resource to understand cycles, symptoms and tracking.
- The Fertility Friday Podcast and Blog
See the opportunities
This final thought is probably the most important that I will share. The way I see our journey here on earth is a set of opportunities, or doors, as some might say. Infertility is an opportunity to serve and glorify God. A opportunity to spend more time as a married couple. An opportunity to go to Bible study together. A opportunity to work in your career/ church community/home. Instead of looking at infertility as a restriction, ask yourself, how does God want me to serve Him in this present state of life? What does my current circumstances allow me to do in His kingdom? It’s a perspective shift from focusing on me to focusing on God!
How do you think God used infertility to strengthen your faith? Or what ways did God show you His love during this time? What Bible verse/s have encouraged you through infertility?
As a couple we talk about the time of waiting for a child with fondness and a smile. God brought us closer as a couple. God allowed us to spend more time growing in our knowledge of Him. One of our favourite things was attending Bible study together! God also challenged me to battle with my discontent. Always wanting more and having the grass is always greener approach. One of my favourite verses from 1 Timothy 6:6 is “But godliness with all contentment, is great gain” I understand this to mean that if I am living a godly life, this is tied firmly to my contentment. Where does my contentment come from? It comes from God, who through Christ’s death has died for my sins, promised eternal life. God gives us hope, purpose and joy!
He’s got the whole world in His hands!
God used so many people, sermons, Bible texts as tools. We can see how He has our whole life in His hands! God does have a plan. He knows whether or not we will have children. What trials we will experience and what joys. Trust in God! He’s got you and this whole world in His almighty control!
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
Jeremiah 17: 7-8
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
A Christian perspective of infertility – Scripture encouragement.
Since having our son, I look at our time of waiting. God used this time to make us sooo incredibly grateful, humble and joyful in receiving our son. I want to believe that I relish in moments with our son and don’t find the sleepless nights so hard because we know children indeed are a blessing and miracle from the Lord!
When our son was born we read Psalm 139. Many tears were shed in reading this beautiful Psalm. God is our Father, He knows us, has a plan for our lives, God wants us to love Him with all our heart and God has chosen us to be his people by Grace through faith! God will be with us wherever we go!
Psalm 139
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
Psalm 139: 1-14
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it. 7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
What are the best ways to support a friend or family member experiencing infertility?
Pray
Pray for patience in the waiting, the miracle of conception and wisdom in the journey through infertility.
Reach OUt
Don’t be afraid to ask or reach out! Remember to listen. Sometimes we might not need the fix it responses but just a listening ear and a supporting hug!
Include
Let’s all get better at including everyone in different stages of life in both the types of conversations we have and the activities we plan. If the only thing you are able to discuss is your kids or family it may be difficult for your friend or family member struggling with infertility to open up or become close to you. But I will preface and say it goes both ways. Even without children we must be willing to share in each others phases of life.
Learn and Educate
Take the time to learn about natural family planning, understand fertility and educate your children! Marital union is a beautiful gift from God. Let’s not be too scared or ashamed to pass up the opportunity to properly educate our children and fellow women!
Thank you for sharing . We all have different experiences but it is so good to listen and learn from others account with a Godly perspective.. It takes courage and humility to be vulnerable. May it reach and encourage many who can benefit or grow through reading.
Thanks Meta, each experience is unique but we can all be united and find comfort through Christ!