This experience of infertility delves into the challenge of secondary infertility from a Christian Perspective. This is the second part of the four part series on a christian perspective of infertility.
Introduction to A christian Perspective of Secondary infertility:
Today a dear friends shares a christian perspective of secondary infertility. She was able to fall pregnant quite quickly with her first child, but the second was a whole different ball game……
I want my Dream family
Many of us imagine a table full of children. If we grew up with siblings, it is natural to assume that our kids will also have siblings to grow up with! That is what makes secondary infertility difficult. God has given me one child, am I being ungrateful for wanting more? Is it ok to grieve the sibling for my firstborn? This is a incredibly difficult position to be in.
Many of us on the outside looking in may be wary of asking how they are going for fear they are just waiting as the first child was very full on or maybe they don’t want more children.
ENCOURAGEMENT through this experience of secondary infertility
Secondary infertility can be hard to recognize and so reaching out may be more difficult. I hope this lived experience will help you to understand something of what it is like to experience secondary infertility. And may you find comfort and encouragement in your own experience of infertility.
As this is a 4 part series I have included the links to part 1 below. If you would like to read the full introduction to this topic of Christian perspective of infertility find part 1 HERE. Keep scrolling to read part 2 below.
PART 2 – A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE OF INFERTILITY ~ SECONDARY INFERTILITY
Counting down – The waiting in secondary infertility
My husband and I have been struggling with secondary infertility for a year and ten months. It’s funny how with infertility you count every. single. month. And for me, experiencing secondary infertility, I was always doing the maths – if we conceive this month that means the little one will be this old, and then I’ll only have x amount of months with both of them home before the little one goes to school etc. etc. etc. Not a healthy way to be living.
When is the right time for a second baby?
When our little one was born, it took us 18 months before we were comfortable with the idea of having
another one. Four months of trying to conceive, and my period went AWOL. Several negative pregnancy
tests, and I was confused. Then when it came, it was light, it was spotty, it was weird. I put up with this for around 4 months, and then I went to see a naturopath. She gave me a herbal, which we hoped and prayed would work. But it didn’t. 4 more months, and I thought it was probably time to see a doctor. After getting some bloods and an ultrasound done, we received a diagnosis, 14 months after deciding we were ready for baby #2. The diagnosis – polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
RECEIVING a diagnosis
Receiving a diagnosis when struggling with secondary infertility is unexpected, it rocks your world in very unique and different ways, because you have already had one child, so you expect that everything is fine, everything is normal, everything will be fine the second time around.
Grappling with grief, doubt and hormones
The following two months were very hard. All the stages of grief. All the questions. And watching the little one grow older and older, as we had been for the past year. Not only that, but my hormonal imbalances meant that I was perpetually on PMS. Looking back over the past year I had been for some time. And I was not very nice to live with. I was angry, emotional, unkind. I took out my frustrations on my family, and I was finding it difficult to cope.
Who deserves children?
In addition I knew several people who I deemed undeserving to be expecting their second child. And I asked God why. Why, why, why? I didn’t want to see pregnant people, to hear about other people’s pregnancies. Seeing pictures of other people’s children on social media made me even more depressed. I didn’t understand why God would bless others and not me. I perceived others as being undeserving, and myself as deserving, and it didn’t make sense to me.
But God is merciful. And he healed my heart. He exposed the idolatry in my heart. My idol of children and family. He exposed how my standards of being deserving or undeserving of blessings were totally
unwarranted and ridiculous.
God impressed on my heart several important truths:
1. God makes all things beautiful in his time. Ecclesiastes 3:11.
This became my mantra. God designed my family a long time ago, and what he designed is beautiful. If he designed a 5 year age gap between my children, that is beautiful. If he designed my family to be an only child family, that is also beautiful.
2. God’s salvation is sufficient to give me joy.
I had been hanging my joy on family and children, and felt joyless because of the infertility I was experiencing. But I came to a new realisation that I had been saved from my sin! My complete joy was to be found in God and in his salvation of my soul. Any other thing I was looking to for joy was an idol and I had to deal with that.
3. Social media was making me depressed
People love their children. They love to share what they are up to. They love to share on Mother’s Day. It’s lovely, but it also hurts when the one thing you want most dearly is being with-held for reasons you do not understand. So seeing pictures of other people’s children, especially those I had deemed undeserving, or those who were complaining on social media. So I put the phone down. I put measures in place to go on social media less, and when I felt I was spiraling downwards I took a break for a few days.
4. It’s not just about fertility. It’s about health.
Due to my hormonal imbalances, I was tired all. the. time. My emotions were unpredictable, I was not pleasant to live with. I knew I had to do something about it. Spiritually, but also physically. So I began to eat well, I began yoga, I began to decrease my stress. I went to see a different naturopath. And I began to be more diligent about reading my Bible and praying every day.
Finding Peace in Christ!
And my heart is at peace. This was not anything specific that happened or that I read or that I discovered. It was a gradual peace that came upon my heart as I read God’s word and changed the focus of my joy to my salvation. Being saved in Christ from sin has made all other sadnesses fade in comparison.
Don’t get me wrong. There were (are) still tears. Still questions.
But I fill my head with encouragement from God’s word in the form of reading, podcasts, devotions, and when you are filled with scripture, there’s not too much room for jealousy and envy and bitterness.
God makes all things beautiful in His time!
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