Today’s story shares the journey of a couple who experienced many years of unexplained infertility. They share wisdom that only many years of experience with unexplained infertility can bring.
Just today I spoke to someone who experiences unexplained secondary infertility. I so want to share this Christian perspective of unexplained infertility with her. God gives us so much hope, purpose and comfort through these challenging experiences.
What is unexplained infertility
Unexplained infertility is the inability or struggle to have children despite everything appearing ‘fine’ medically. Many couples who experience unexplained infertility struggle with when to stop testing/treating as the unknown of they they are struggling to have children as well as the uncertainty of when and if they will have children is very difficult. This often means many, many tests to try to understand the why.
God teaches us so much in times of uncertainty in our lives. We truly have to trust in Him and lean not on our own understanding. This journey is one with a joyful ending! God is all knowing and all wise. He chooses the ‘right’ time in our lives.
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1. Share with us a brief story of your unexplained infertility experiences and where you are presently.
My husband and I always dreamed of being parents. We were hopeful it would happen quickly but realistic that it could take a year or more. Unfortunately, the journey was harder and longer than we anticipated.
Seeking support
After trying to conceive for over a year we went to see a doctor who sent us to see a fertility specialist. After undergoing several tests no apparent reason was found as to why we could not conceive, we were told IVF was our next option.
Specialist Naturopath support
Not ready to consider IVF at this point my husband then found a naturopath who specialises in women’s health and fertility. Through her we learnt so much regarding natural conception, monthly charting, vitamins, nutrition, healthy lifestyle adjustments etc. She helped us join natural and western medicine together and could answer our many questions. I also did acupuncture monthly to help with healthy egg release during ovulation, chiropractor, kinesiology, relaxation techniques (breathing, massage) gentle exercise, you name it we were willing to try it. Ultimately, we knew only God can create life but we felt He had given us professionals and those with knowledge to help us in this area.
Seeking further support for unexplained infertility
After continuing with appointments, lifestyle changes and much prayer for about 3 years we were then ready to consider western medicine procedures combined with natural support. I was at the end of what I could handle and was ready to except whatever outcome God had in store for us.
God’s peace during treatments
During these fertility treatments I felt so much peace and happiness knowing God was in control and knowing my life was going to change for the better. Whether we were going to be gifted with a baby or not I was so ready to move on in a positive way not letting myself be consumed with infertility.
All glory to God!
Thankfully God had a beautiful plan in store for us. 3 months later we received the best phone call! My blood results for a pregnancy test came back positive. We were overjoyed! The doctor even said to us “your pregnancy is a gift from God” it was so beautiful hearing the credit go to God.
A unexpected gift and a joyful blessing!
Our son entered the world and we soaked in every minute with him. I was determined to absorb every touch, smell and smile. I decided I was not going to put myself through the pain of trying to have another child. My husband however remained more optimistic in this area. If it happened, we would be overjoyed, but I was preparing myself that it wouldn’t. However, God had a beautiful surprise for us and a year later we conceived our second child. I remember feeling guilty because it was so easy (no needles, tears, waiting) she was just there. She still feels like a dream to us.
2. What or who were your biggest supports through your journey of infertility?
We felt so much love a support from family, friends, co-workers, and professionals whom were so understanding and always willing to listen and talk. We found that opening up and sharing appropriately was good for us on an emotional and practical level. My co-workers were always willing to cover a shift for me if I had to come in late or take a day off for tests. When we did find out about our pregnancy, we felt so much love from everyone who supported us and they shared in our joy.
3. What do you think are the biggest challenges of infertility and what would you do differently if you had to go through infertility again?
The reality of fertility treatment and many years of waiting
I let it consume my life. Every area of my life was impacted. I was telling myself no to everything; caffeine, alcohol, high impact exercise, high heels, hot baths, stress etc. I felt guilty if I didn’t do all the right things, like that was the reason I wasn’t pregnant.
Thankfully my husband and I were there for each other emotionally but it did put stress on our physical relationship. I also felt like I couldn’t do what a woman was supposed to do, I was always telling myself “you are ok the way you are”.
Most of the people I was around had kids making me feel left out. I didn’t dare make any changes in my life or challenge myself because I was scared of adding stress. Life was put on hold. I didn’t realise it at the time but I would say I was so unhappy to the point of depressed it was emotionally draining.
It was difficult to be happy for other people when pregnancy seemed to come so easily for them. People always meant well in what they said but I was so sensitive and would often take things the wrong way. For me the pain and discomfort of tests and doctor appointments was nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt daily.
Looking Back
I often look back with many regrets. Did I not depend on God enough and find contentment in what He was giving us in our lives at the time? I had so many doubts and tears but little peace. Why didn’t we use all our free time and enjoy it more, go on spontaneous trips? How could I have lived my life more for God at the time? Was I to self-absorbed in wanting children so badly?
learning to trust in God
It’s hard to say what I would have done differently as I know I really tired my best. I tried to live life and be happy, but something always felt like it was missing. I know that I have learnt a lot from my journey and looking back I probably should have focused my life more around God then myself. My desire to have children was so strong and took up so much of my time and energy which could have been spent on God’s kingdom work and on others.
Some positive reflections
I would like to add some positives that I have been able to take from infertility. Now I am determined to live life joyfully. I was in a dark place and sadly it took being pregnant to get myself out of it. It felt so good to be happy again. I told myself I would never live life like that again. I’m sure I will face more trials in this life but I will try my best to stay positive and God focused through them.
Preparation for Motherhood
I also feel infertility prepared me for motherhood. Being a mum can be hard, but every day I feel thankful to hold my two sweet babies. My husband and I often say at the end of the day how blessed we are, God has been so good to us.
Understanding health
Another positive would be the knowledge I gained on preconception, pregnancy, and postnatal health including nutrition and lifestyle. It’s a comfort knowing that we have done our best to give our children the healthiest start we can. If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would not have been surrounded by the professionals and people we met along the way who taught us so much. If conception had not occurred, a positive would still be the knowledge we gained on how to better care for ourselves and our bodies.
4. Any practical tips to share about keeping positive and focused on God during infertility, medical treatment and testing?
Don’t be consumed by infertility
Infertility will take up a lot of your time and energy but don’t let it consume you. I know it’s easier said than done, I failed big time in this area, but the pain of letting it consume you is not worth it. It may be lonely as you are surrounded by busy mums not knowing what to do with yourself, it hurts a lot. Please don’t feel less of yourself because you are not able to conceive at this time. The reason you can’t get pregnant is not because of something you do or don’t do fertility wise, it’s because God has a plan and He will decide when or if you will have a child. Pray for contentment.
Find joy in every day!
Try to find joy in everyday life. Take the time you are given and use it for others, strive to do Gods kingdom work. Be involved. Take time for yourself, laugh, do something you enjoy. Spend time with your husband, go camping with just the two of you. Take a course, learn a new skill. Focus on something other than just trying to conceive, God is in control.
5. How do you think God used unexplained infertility to strengthen your faith? Or what ways did God show you His love during this time? What bible verses have encouraged you through infertility?
Infertility taught us patience. We learnt that things don’t just happen when we snap our fingers. We have to rely on God and trust in His plan. Our wedding text has always been a comfort to us,
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all our ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” It also taught us to seek contentment even though things weren’t going to our plan
Proverbs 3:5-6
A friend shared a beautiful truth with me which said:
“Some women have not yet born a child because God is still preparing them for that moment. Other women do not bear children because God has decided to use them in a special way in His kingdom. But all women are daughters of Eve; all women are wonderfully created by God to help, to serve and to nurture life in God’s kingdom. That’s something that all women can and should rejoice in and embrace, in the Joy of the Holy spirit!”
-Rev. Wieske
6. What are the best ways to support a friend or family member experiencing unexplained infertility?
Be There:
Being there, praying, and asking how things are going. Some loving support I felt, was when a friend dropped off a small gift and card at my door just saying she was there for me. Words of encouragement and prayers meant the world to us. We even received a card or two from people we hardly knew offering their thoughts and prayers. This was genuine care and meant so much. I also really appreciated a friend to have fun with. Someone who could make me laugh and stop me from feeling sorry for myself. Reminding me that life is worth living even if things aren’t going my way. It was also important to hear a friend ask how I was going, to cry and pray together. Finding joy in everyday life and staying focused on God is so important and as a friend you can help encourage this.
Be Tactful
Sharing birth announcements to a friend or family member going through infertility can be hard. I know everyone is different but for me I appreciated it when those I knew would tell me in person and not around other people. It is a joy to receive a child and this approach really helped me share in their joy of pregnancy and openly share feelings.
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